| | Is this "trend" of cooler temperatures worldwide all just a part of Global Warming's inscrutable plan? ... This recent respite merely a small blip on the way to our planetary climate's ultimate infernal destiny, should we choose to disregard all the warning signs?
Global Warming will usher in a new ice age, explain scientists at Diversity University of Illinois (motto “ex uno plura”). What remains unclear is whether that ice age should be seated on the side of the bride or the groom.
“It's a tough call," states Lester Ness, certified bunjee therapist and PhD in astrometeorology. "The coming ice age is related to neither and wasn't really even invited to the wedding. We trust Global Warming to make the right decision.”
And what exactly is a certified bunjee therapist, Dr. Ness?
“Call me Locke,” says the wizened yet hip sunglass and jeans-wearing professor, whose silvery hair cascades down to the leather jacket covering his peace-sign bearing purple tye-dyed t-shirt. “Through meticulous and precise application of bunjee I grant people the experience, sensations and reflections to shape their minds.”
I’m curious, Locke. How precise can you get with bunjee?
“Oh, you’d be surprised. I’ve developed a patented laser-guided bunjee system, capable of slicing bread and toasting it at the same time.”
Why don’t you market it for that reason? You could make millions, Locke!
“Can’t you see the ethical quandary inherent in that question?” Ness asks, incredulously. “Besides,” he adds, “The slices would be thinner than the width of a human hair.”
Uhh...What kind of clients do you work with?
“You forgot to call me Locke that time."
Oh. What kind of clients do you work with, Locke?
"Infants, toddlers mostly,” Ness replies, gazing out the window and tipping back his chair precariously to place his Birkenstock-laden feet suavely upon the cluttered desk in front of him. “They have that fresh tabula rasa. And college students. They’re the most impressionable individuals, you know, whereas older adults by the time I get to them have their tabulas scribbled and marred in permanent marker by their previous experiences or mis-education. They’re a little harder to work with. I have to get out the heavy-duty 'white-out' so to speak. Once they’re all blanked out, though, it’s back to the fun part of re-defining and creating their selves, eliminating their phobias and their foibles and giving them the self-respect and confidence to go out and face the world until they get depressed or troubled enough to come back. I consider it my privilege and duty to clear people of their odious habits, bad memories, and irrational fears and to recreate them as their ideal selves.”
Wow! Sounds great! Would you mind removing your feet from my desk? How do you determine exactly what is one’s ideal self, Locke?
“Good question!” Ness responds. “I have a vast database of personalities and experiences for each client to review and customize the treatment as they choose. But I reserve the right to ignore that and do what I want.”
How does that work for infants? I ask, noting his Birkenstocks remain firmly planted on my desk. I eye his dangerously tilted chair, speculating whether the doctor would like a taste of his own medicine.
“Usually the parents have something specific they want to achieve, such as potty training or keeping their stubborn toddler from acting out, you know, those ‘heck, no, I won’t go!’ or ‘fight the power!’ syndromes. I’ve found my techniques to be extremely effective in these cases. For those parents who don’t have anything specific in mind, I just use a standard template that results in brilliant, upstanding, environmentally conscious world citizens. Of course, it’s not just a one-shot deal. Repeated treatments must be applied until adulthood is reached. At that point the client is free to decide if they want to keep coming back. Most do, if not for the treatment, then just the sheer thrill of bunjee jumping.”
Wow! This all sounds extremely cool! But what does it have to do with global warming?
“Absolutely nothing. I just happen to be an expert in both fields.”
Well, thank you for your time, Dr. Locke, er... Ness.
“My pleasure. May the sasquatch be with you!”
Um...Okay. |
| | Posted 9/9/2008 3:42 AM - 9 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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