May 20, 2006
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Graduation
Try to ascertain the kernels of
truth embedded in this corncob of bizarre fiction (i.e. which elements
are true, and which are made-up):
Last evening at the graduation ceremony for Salem’s prestigious Little
Lamb Preschool, I had the honor of being presented with an honorary
degree for exemplary table manners. Though I never succeeded in
graduating from the school, I believe this was due primarily to the fact
that I never attended it. When I received the call on Wednesday
night to be the keynote speaker I jumped at the chance. Here is
the text of my speech, given last night to the cap- and-gowned
preschoolers and their families:
Greetings, esteemed parents, faculty, and little tykes. Today is
not just an ending, but a beginning and possibly a middle. These
past two years you crafty youngstas have crammed all kinds of stuff into your
diminuitive heads, mostly food, but some learning. Believe it or
not, though, young preschoolers, your education has only just
begun! Don’t let your parents tell you school is fun. Years
of drudgery lie ahead (frowns). But with
the drudgery comes reward! (smiles broadly). (sweeps arms up boldly and gazes above audience:) I
stand before you as an example of what you may become, if only you
apply yourselves diligently to study and forgo all silliness.
(thoughtful:) Yes, I am a rich and important eye doctor. But of
everything I have done, I am most proud of my table manners. You
may be surprised that I did
not learn them at school, but from an internet correspondence course
after I graduated from optometry school… the point being that even
though learning is really
boring (rolls eyes), it should be a lifelong endeavor. Just because you’ve endured the rigors of
Little Lamb doesn’t mean you can sit back now and let life hand you
everything, like you deserve it, you spoiled little
brats! You’ve got to strive for it!
Strive! Keep your eyes on the prize! And keep your eyes healthy by coming in to see me for regular yearly exams. Because you are special. I mean that. You must believe to achieve!
Don’t ever forget it. Thank you all, and thanks to the academy
for this honorary degree. I can’t tell you how much it means to
someone who never graduated from preschool to be so honored, because I
did graduate from a preschool. But I can tell you how much it
means to me. It means a whole–oww! My arm!
Teacher: Excuse
me, Dr., it’s actually a gift card to thank you for playing piano for us. Now would
you please sit down? We have to go on with the ceremony.
Me: …Um, okay, whatever.
I wondered why she was tugging so hard on my elbow, and still not sure what possessed that deluded woman to invite me for the
honorary degree and then deny it all. She was probably mad
about me saying all that stuff about how boring learning is, and was
just trying to hush me up. That’s what happens when you speak truth to power.
Admittedly, the honorary degree does bear a strong resemblance to an
Evil-Mart gift card, but I know an honorary degree when I see
one.
