July 3, 2006
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Choose Your Own Adventure: Salem, IL
Imagine you are a studly runner man. You are not daunted by
nearly 90 degrees and high humidity but instead take it as a challenge
and go out for a seven-mile run. Mere mortals would call you an
idiot, those timid souls who dare not leave their soft couches while
watching TV except to go to the refrigerator or the restroom,
comfortably relaxing in their pansy "air-conditioning" instead of
exerting themselves in the heat of the sun.Anyway, imagine that you are prancing studily through the woods on this
warm, sunny day, proud of your manly toughness and the health benefits
you will reap from the exercise as long as you don't collapse from heat
exhaustion. As soon as you exit the woods towards the end of your
run, a strange smell vaguely like gasoline wafts up from some
indetermine origin, seemingly everywhere. Your route takes you
down through the city park and the smell becomes stronger and more
defined. Just as you recognize the odor as bug spray, you see a
truck ahead driving on grass between the trees, spewing a thick cloud
of the vile stuff directly toward your projected path. By picking
up the pace you get through ahead of the dense cloud but likely inhale
enough of the carcinogenic crud to negate any health benefits you may
have gained from the run.What lesson have you learned from this experience? What future action will you take?
1) The City of Salem needs to be more environmentally
conscious. Write a letter to the editor protesting the city's
inhumane treatment of mosquitoes and their larvae, apparently arising
from an irrational predjudice against West Nile Virus. Emphasize
the need for biodiversity and the equal value of all living creatures
(as opposed to narrow-minded species-ism).
Turn to page 23.2) Running in the late afternoon is
idiotic. Run in the morning instead. It's cooler and they
don't spray for bugs then (but it could mean less
sleep). Turn to page 81.3) Why suffer needlessly? Running in the late afternoon is
idiotic, but so is running in the morning. Stay at home in the
air-conditioning and watch TV from your soft couch. Avoid
carcinogens, unpleasant exertion, and potential heat
exhaustion. Turn to page 6.4) There is no choice 4. Choose choice 4 and you will die. Eventually. (But there's no page to turn to, since this isn't really a choice).
Comments (3)
Those poor 'skitos.
Oh well, that's just one more reason to be glad we're at the top of the food chain (although when those little mothers are flying around...it feels like THEY'RE the top link). Anyway, back to the topic, I agree with you...that carcinogenic cloud of toxic pseudo-atmosphere is a bother. More to the point, the truck spewing that cloud of discomfort is even more of a bother than anything. The moments of quality television that are lost due to the noxious sounds of that blasted truck driving by often come at a critical/fun/memorable point in my favorite shows! Thank goodness for TiVo! It's nice to be able to rewind 'live' TV, while resting comfortably on my cushy couch, and experience every last punchline as often as needed; this is a technological advance that all top links should have the unaliable right to enjoy!
Shoot, before TiVo, the 'bug truck' forced us to do other things. Like refill our tea glasses, get another snack, take a bathroom break, move to the overstuffed chair, get an additional pillow for proping up one's feet on the couch, or any number of worthwhile adventures.
Which is worse? The 'bug truck' or the skeeters? I vote for skeeters.
The 'bug truck' not only holds these little critters and their larve at bay, but it also saves money for all of us who get to experience it. When we're lucky enough to have that spray vehicle wander through our neighborhood, I know we don't have to spray the kids down with that store bought 'bug juice'; not when they can just skeedattle outside and run behind the 'bug truck' for a couple of blocks!
Some might argue that this practice is dangerous. I say, NAAAAH. Yeah, there is the possiblity that little Johnny, or Suzy, could be running along and bang their precious little heads on a fire plug (that could obviously be dangerous), but in the long run that'll just teach them to watch where they're going.
Anyway, for those out there who are anti-bug truck inclined...you should be glad that our city fathers and mothers love us enough to send that spewing beauty through our city parks and neighborhoods. Long live corporate and political structure and their loving reach into our private lives!
(By the way, may God Continue to Bless America! Happy Independence Day! Thank you to all those who have served, and continue to serve, in protecting our country!)
Choose your own adventures are fun.
I just would like to post for post-erity's sake, you are one creative and entertaining man.
Comments are closed.