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| Is this "trend" of cooler temperatures worldwide all just a part of Global Warming's inscrutable plan? ... This recent respite merely a small blip on the way to our planetary climate's ultimate infernal destiny, should we choose to disregard all the warning signs?
Global Warming will usher in a new ice age, explain scientists at Diversity University of Illinois (motto “ex uno plura”). What remains unclear is whether that ice age should be seated on the side of the bride or the groom.
“It's a tough call," states Lester Ness, certified bunjee therapist and PhD in astrometeorology. "The coming ice age is related to neither and wasn't really even invited to the wedding. We trust Global Warming to make the right decision.”
And what exactly is a certified bunjee therapist, Dr. Ness?
“Call me Locke,” says the wizened yet hip sunglass and jeans-wearing professor, whose silvery hair cascades down to the leather jacket covering his peace-sign bearing purple tye-dyed t-shirt. “Through meticulous and precise application of bunjee I grant people the experience, sensations and reflections to shape their minds.”
I’m curious, Locke. How precise can you get with bunjee?
“Oh, you’d be surprised. I’ve developed a patented laser-guided bunjee system, capable of slicing bread and toasting it at the same time.”
Why don’t you market it for that reason? You could make millions, Locke!
“Can’t you see the ethical quandary inherent in that question?” Ness asks, incredulously. “Besides,” he adds, “The slices would be thinner than the width of a human hair.”
Uhh...What kind of clients do you work with?
“You forgot to call me Locke that time."
Oh. What kind of clients do you work with, Locke?
"Infants, toddlers mostly,” Ness replies, gazing out the window and tipping back his chair precariously to place his Birkenstock-laden feet suavely upon the cluttered desk in front of him. “They have that fresh tabula rasa. And college students. They’re the most impressionable individuals, you know, whereas older adults by the time I get to them have their tabulas scribbled and marred in permanent marker by their previous experiences or mis-education. They’re a little harder to work with. I have to get out the heavy-duty 'white-out' so to speak. Once they’re all blanked out, though, it’s back to the fun part of re-defining and creating their selves, eliminating their phobias and their foibles and giving them the self-respect and confidence to go out and face the world until they get depressed or troubled enough to come back. I consider it my privilege and duty to clear people of their odious habits, bad memories, and irrational fears and to recreate them as their ideal selves.”
Wow! Sounds great! Would you mind removing your feet from my desk? How do you determine exactly what is one’s ideal self, Locke?
“Good question!” Ness responds. “I have a vast database of personalities and experiences for each client to review and customize the treatment as they choose. But I reserve the right to ignore that and do what I want.”
How does that work for infants? I ask, noting his Birkenstocks remain firmly planted on my desk. I eye his dangerously tilted chair, speculating whether the doctor would like a taste of his own medicine.
“Usually the parents have something specific they want to achieve, such as potty training or keeping their stubborn toddler from acting out, you know, those ‘heck, no, I won’t go!’ or ‘fight the power!’ syndromes. I’ve found my techniques to be extremely effective in these cases. For those parents who don’t have anything specific in mind, I just use a standard template that results in brilliant, upstanding, environmentally conscious world citizens. Of course, it’s not just a one-shot deal. Repeated treatments must be applied until adulthood is reached. At that point the client is free to decide if they want to keep coming back. Most do, if not for the treatment, then just the sheer thrill of bunjee jumping.”
Wow! This all sounds extremely cool! But what does it have to do with global warming?
“Absolutely nothing. I just happen to be an expert in both fields.”
Well, thank you for your time, Dr. Locke, er... Ness.
“My pleasure. May the sasquatch be with you!”
Um...Okay. | | |
| More From the Archives
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| These are the Ties Which Try Men's Souls
Do you, like so many, despise neckties?
Are you among the befuddled masses, yearning to breathe free rather than straining under the yoke of that tightly bound adornment?
But you've worn it because your boss requires it, or simply because it is the accoutrement of professionalism in our society? All the while, living a life of quiet desperation, wishing to tear that hated necktie away and trample upon it as you would trample upon the conformity and stuffiness and repression it represents?
Now you have some ammunition. You are not alone. Click the link on neckties above and scroll down to the heading "anti-necktie" sentiment. There is a revolution afoot, and it is growing by the minute, comrade. We can bring these neckties to heel! As one heavily bearded Richard Marx once said after a few too many vodkas, "Neckties are reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society."
What other conclusion may be drawn, comrades? We as a society must compel neckties to abandon their reckless disregard for the health or length of life of the laborer! People, UNITE! Rebel against conformity, against the spreading of disease and filth, against the raising of eye pressure which is a well-known risk factor for glaucoma and a plot to keep down the rightfully-ruling proletariat, all caused by the tyranny of pompous neckties. Are you with me? I said, ARE YOU WITH ME?
Your response: (THUNDEROUS CHEERING)*
* Obey or face the consequences of your insolence, you tie-wearing stooge.
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| A Word of Wisdumb... uh, make that "Words":
"My friend, tread lightly upon the world wide web, lest you get stuck and the world wide spider come to devour you."Who said this? What does it mean? What would it look like to follow this advice? Do you know of someone who failed to heed it? How will it affect your own life? Can you think of any other insightful questions to ask about this quote?* I doubt it. But you can try.
* Do you even care? (Shame on you, if you don't!)
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| A Blast From the Past
Believe it or not, before I became a bitter, crotchety old coot making up spurious but plausible quotes and attributing them to our governor, I was once a budding young artist:
A friend of mine sketched the shady outline of a police officer applying handcuffs to this unique individual expressing his love for broccoli.
But there are greater calamities than being arrested:
"Oh, woe is me! Another bad hair day!"
"Do not despair, my dear. For me, every day is bad hair day."
Good thing that strange little man was there to put her at ease! (with the odd comfort in knowing there's someone worse off than you)
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Lifetime
