August 26, 2006

• The Other Side Weighs In

  Dear most honorable Mr. Stupidocles,

  My husband Mr. Hoyteetoytee and I wish to gratefully thank you for your
  exquisite online advice column, "Smileys:  Is More Really
  Better?".  We'd been at a loss
  lately what to do with our little boy, Smedleykins Cuisinart®
  Hoyteetoytee.  He just turned two and a half, and has been getting
  ever so restless!  Whilst flying aboard our Goodyear™ blimp,
  Stewart happened upon your site (we have a wireless internet
  connection) and your wonderful article about boarding school for
  toddlers.  We'd registered Smedleykins for Sunbeam YuppieKids
  Academy this fall, but your shining words of wisdom pierced our
  hearts.  We pulled him out immediately and put him into Dunbean
  Hockingsworth College for Toddlers, the most prestigious boarding
  school in the nation for children ages 2-4.  Only toddlers from
  the most qualified and pedigreed families are accepted, and the hypoallergenic robot
  staff have all been certified and tested by
  Dr. Cray Zelune.  Now we can be assured that Smedleykins will be
  taken care of and
  properly challenged; coursework at Dunbean Hockingsworth includes
  Advanced Potty Training, Improvisational Play, and Fingerpainting 201: Transcending Gender Stereotypes.  Some might
  wince at tuition, room, and board totalling $2 million dollars per
  year, but we would spare no expense for the good of our child. 
  The peace of mind is priceless, and we'll be free to blimp about the
  countryside night and day, without a care in the world!

  All of this would never have been possible without your wonderful and
  insightful advice.  Perhaps you may tell us something about
  Goodyear™ blimps?  I am sure you can, since you are so smart and
  wonderful.

  By the way, you handled that nasty letter from that dreadful straw man
  very well.  You have to wonder about a person who would stand in a
  field scaring crows all day long.  I'm sorry you have to deal with
  such a person.  Well, thank you again for bringing our lives to
  perfection.  You certainly are a tool, a most blessed tool of
  Providence.

  Your friends for life,

  Mrs. and Mr. Stewart Hoyteetoytee

  Dear Hoyteetoytee family:
  
  
  
  Your son must be a sharp lad!  People like you are a breath of fresh air.  Your kind words warm my heart. 
  
  
  
  Sincerely,
  
  Stupidocles

  P.S.  Can I borrow some money?
  
  

  
  
  

  • 12:05 am
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