December 4, 2006

• Helpful Advice for Single Guys

  I recently received this earnest letter from one of my billions of fans worldwide:

  Dear Stupidocles,
  
  I am in my thirties and still a single guy.  Do you have any advice for me?
  
  --Anonymous.

  Well, Mr. Anonymous, I don't have any advice for you.  But I'm sure you have noticed that everyone around you does.  Notice how well I handled this type of advice back in my single days:

  

  Advice (Advisor on left): "Stupidocles, we all agree you and 'Suzy' should get together.  You two have so much in common!"

  Stupid. Reply: "Uh...Yeah, like, we're both carbon-based life forms n' stuff!"

  Adv.: What?

  ______________________________________________________________________________________

  Interestingly, I also received another very similar letter in the same week:

  Dear Stupidocles,

  I am another single guy who is in my thirties.  Some old married guy keeps teasing me about it.  Do you have any advice for me?

  --Anonymous #2

  Well, Mr. "Anonymous # 2," I have to guffaw a bit at your lack of courage in being anonymous, but I will inform you that I have no advice for you.  However, let me demonstrate how I handled this situation back in my single days:

  

  
  Teaser (middle):  Hey, loverboy!

  Stupidocles:  What?  Oh no, not again.

  

  
  Teaser:  I bet I know what he wants under his Christmas tree this year! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

  Stupidocles:  Is this junior high?

  

  Teaser:  A woman, right?  Har, har!

  Stupidocles: That's just plain weird.

  (I think I shamed him enough with that "just plain weird" comment that he stopped bothering me for about a week or two.  But if your teaser is as persistent as mine was, Anonymous #2, you might just want to work on a more cutting insult.  Or hire Guido to rough him up a little bit.)

  
  

  
  

  • 1:27 am
  • 2 Comments