December 7, 2006
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Letter from Another Bachelor
Dear Stupidocles,
I've looked over the non-advice that you gave those two other single guys in their thirties, and after careful consideration have decided to ask you to PLEASE not give me any advice either! But while I have your attention, I thought I'd use your blog to post my personal ad. Since you have a readership of billions, surely someone will find it appealing. Here goes:
About me: I am a fun-hating, self-absorbed, parsimonious, inarticulate, lazy, egotistical, myopic, aging, weird, unromantic, non-dancing and non-bike-riding hypocrite who despises most of today's TV, movies, and pop music.
Favorite Mottoes: If it's broke, don't fix it.
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?What I'm Looking For: A beautiful, intelligent, caring, house-cleaning, meal-cooking, baby factory of a gal who will cater to my every whim and pick up after me, complementing (and complimenting) my winning personality, as described above (see About me). She must understand that it's all About me, of course, and I will never, ever change.
If you think you can measure up to my high standards, contact me at my website imunimistakeablythecoolestguyever.com, but think twice 'cause I'm accepting only the best.---Anonymous #3
Dear Anonymous #3,
You owe me a big favor for letting me post your personal ad, but I'm not going to let you promote your self-promoting website on my self-promoting website, am I? I'm not sure, but frankly, I don't think you have very realistic expectations about a mate and since you don't want my advice I would "not" tell you to be willing to act like a bag of potato chips upon shipping, considering the many flaws that you are advertising. You seem to have a refreshing knack for truthfulness but alas, that is a very poor strategy for attracting a woman.
Your best strategy in "hooking a fish / lady" would be to hide your negative side until it is too late and the "gal" is already committed.* Much like a fisherman who covers the hook with bait.** Be a "Dr. Jekyll"! However, bear in mind she may be doing the same thing to you; after all there are many women doctors nowadays what with so many uppity wimmenfolk entering the workforce and competing with men instead of staying in their rightful place at home, pregnant and washing dishes "Barefoot in the Kitchen" (like Neil Simon's famous play). You may think she is wonderful, but then Ms. Hyde hops out of the bushes one evening and strangles you to death before you even see what's coming. Beware, Anonymous #3, beware!
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* Editing your negative characteristics in the About Me section results in the following: "I am a fun self and who most of today's TV, movies, and pop music", giving it a nonsensical yet possibly European flair sure to intrigue the ladies.
By the way, "gal" is an archaic term that many chicks find offensive.** Perhaps a better analogy would be where the monkey gets his hand stuck reaching into a jar for the honey and then the natives throw a net on him or something.
Perhaps not.
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