June 10, 2007
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Mental Exercises to Strengthen the Mind
(Tales of the Little-Known, of Which Few Know)
Not
many people know that the legendary Heavyweight Champion of the World's
little-known cousin Ginkgo Balboa (G.B.) was a brilliant mind-puzzle
solver and inventor. As the story goes:It was a dark, brainstormy night...
G.B.,
weary but restless, was up late in his lab poring over a maddening
cryptogram, when he became conscious of a gnawing hunger."Igor, stop nibbling on my toe!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, sorry, master," his hunchback assistant apologized, "I thought it was...someone else's."
"You know, Igor, I could really go fer pizza right now. Make it so!"
"Mmm, rodents..." murmured the hunchback, a glazed look in his eyes.
"Not gopher, Igor -- go fer ," corrected G.B.
"Yes, very tasty, master. Though not as filling as capybara."
"No, go fer, it's a figure of speech. Listen, how can I make you understand?"
"Master, if you're saying you don't like gopher, I will never understand. It's just not right," retorted Igor.
"I do like them, but just as pests, not food, Igor. Now then, hop to it!"
Igor immediately began hopping awkwardly in place upon one leg.
"What the blazes are you doing, Igor? Hurry up!"
The compliant hunchback doubled his speed apace.
"Master, I...huff...don't know...huff huff...if I can...huff... keep this up...huff huff... much longer!"
"Stop, you fool, stop!"
Igor stopped, panting.
"Your antics neither amuse me nor alleviate my appetite. Here, just take my cell phone. Call Pizza Tyrant at once!"
Igor
looked in fear upon the phone in Ginkgo's outstretched hand.
"B...b...but...master! What about the... Roman Charges? We are
defenseless against their onslaught!""What? You mean roaming charges? Why, that has nothing to do with--," G.B. hesitated, "... Nevermind. You have nothing to fear--the Romans can't touch us here. We are too far separated by time and distance."
Igor gave a sigh of relief and accepted the phone.
"Now call this number," said G.B., easily rattling the digits off from memory while the hunchback nodded.
"2!" Igor bellowed, causing his master to jump back in surprise. "6! 6! 7! 8! 3! 7!" the hunchback continued.
"Arrrggghhhh!!!!"
shouted G.B. in frustration. "I've half a mind to crack these flat,
round German dishes of yours right upon your fat, round head!""No, master, not my Teutonic plates, anything but those!"
pleaded Igor. "Shatter those plates, and you shatter the world.
Richter has not the scale to measure the havoc you'd wreak."G.B.
paused, plate in hand. "It really shouldn't be this hard to order a
pizza," he fumed, grabbing the phone away from the hunchback. "You
know, I think we still have some of Anne's Green Bagels in the fridge. Let's pig out on those instead.""Rrrrrrr....The thought gives me the heebies, G.B.!" shuddered Igor. "Er...master, excuse me."
"What?"
"Now you want to eat pigs out on green bagels, of all things. What is wrong with just pigs?"
"Igor,
what we have here is a failure to communicate," Ginkgo began. His
brain was whirling with formulas, scanning its stores of scientific
knowledge and experience for some practical or mathematical solution to
the current problem ... and then, nerdvana! : "That's it! A colloquial implant. I must invent a colloquial implant! Then we shall understand each other.""A
Colloquialem Plant? What, precisely, is a Colloquialem? A ravenous
monster vegetable spawned by genetic manipulation, master?""Yes, I'm hoping it will eat you. Meanwhile, I'm chowing down on some green bagels. Go for gopher if you please, Igor. Just don't bring it back into the house...please. Go!"
"Yes, master. But -- Shar-Pei is much better than Chow."
Study Questions
1.
Consult a touch-tone phone pad. What word does the phone number of
Tyrant Pizza spell? Please cite a historical example of this typical
tyrant goal. How would this goal relate to the tasty but competitive
world of pizza? What might this teach thinking people about the evils
of capitalism and the striking resemblance of tyrants to CEOs?
2. What two-word phrase in the story shares with Ginkgo Balboa the initials "g.b."? Why do you think this is?
3. Please recall a time when you were charged by Roman soldiers. How did this make you feel?4. Do you like gophers? Explain. No, on second thought, don't.
Comments (3)
1. anopuds. the emperor nero. italians eat pizza.
2. green bagels. coincidence.
3. once at the colosseum, one of those roman soldier wannabes charged me 10 euro after he took my picture and i didn't even want the picture. i was very angry.
Thank you, skinnafish! I will wait until next Monday to grade the answers, in order to allow others time to reply. But you will get extra points for being first.
It is now time to grade skinnafish's ANSWERS!
1. (a.) The phone # of Tyrant Pizza does spell "anopuds." However, "anopuds" is not generally considered a word by me, so it is NOT an acceptable answer. "Conquer" is the answer I was looking for.
(b.) The Emperor Nero is a historical tyrant, but I was looking for an example of "conquer"-ing done by a tyrant, for example "the invasion of Poland by Hitler."
(c.) "Italians eat pizza" is not only irrelevant to the question "How would this goal relate to the tasty but competetive world of pizza" but is a grossly offensive ethnic stereotype which I will not abide! However, insofar as Nero was emperor of Rome, located in Italy where pizza is thought to have originated, there is some slight coherence to your answers so I will not automatically fail you for your indiscretion.
(d.) Since you did not answer this, I can only assume you feel that you have nothing to learn from this about the evils of capitalism and the striking resemblance of tyrants to CEOs. I pity you.
2. You are completely correct! SUPERB answer!
3. If true, this is an excellent example. If not, still creative and worth the credit.
YOUR SCORE: 2/3 = 66.7% = D+
However, by being the first and only one to provide an answer, you have proven yourself to be worthy of 4.99% in bonus points. You have thus achieved a score of 71.69%, which graded on the curve adjusts to a 79.99% or C+, not a bad grade for a PhD level course like this one.
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