Anatomy of an Unfunny Blog Entry

Dear Stupidocles,

How do you manage to consistently write blog entries that are so incredibly not funny?

Sincerely,

Oliver Reeders

Well sir or madam (as the case may be), let me step out of my Stupidocles persona for a moment to answer your question.  There are so many unfunny entries to choose from, but let's analyze "Of all the nerve!", my review of Al Gore's "The Assault on Reason": 

First I begin by establishing the stupidity of my assumed persona:  "I don't normally do book reviews, especially of books I've never read nor intend to read".  Who else but an idiot would not normally do book reviews, especially of books they've never read nor intend to read?

Then I expand on this stupidity by raging against something for a preposterous or inscrutable reason:  "...but this one has me furious!  That title represents the height of arrogance...Mr. Gore has the gall to insist..."  Why, you may ask, would "The Assault on Reason" represent the height of arrogance and deserve to be condemned without being read?  Ah, you say, because Stupidocles is a partisan hack with a political agenda against Mr. Gore.  Time to tune out his rant--this nut has nothing to say.

Finally I provide the real reason for my persona's discontent:  "...I would never be so presumptuous as to assert that my book was The definitive example of anything."  Stupidocles has misread the italicized The in the title and taken it entirely the wrong way:  When someone says "That eel restaurant is the place to go" or "Candy Land is the game of the century" they mean that it is the best, most perfect of its kind.  So one can understand why Stupidocles, thinking along these lines, would be offended by Mr. Gore's book title touting itself as the best, most perfect Assault on Reason.  Especially when Stupidocles himself takes pride in the business of assaulting reason and considers himself to be quite good at it.

Announcement:  Results of 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest to be Announced!

Okay, here it is:

Announcement for the Results of the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest!

Before announcing the winner of this year's 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest, I would first like to report a little celebrity gossip that only Xanga users will understand:   Prince Foot of Pheedbaak is looking unhealthily slim these days!  Is it his skimpy diet of one teaspoon of birdseed per day, his excessive exercise regimen, or just his overactive metabolism?  Perhaps one of our readers may enlighten the rest of us!

And now, to the poetry contest:

The people have spoken.  By the overwhelming score of 2 to 1 to 0... er, that is 2 billion to 1 billion to 0 billion, I announce to you that "Tex" with his poem Cicadas has been declared the unequivocal winner of the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest!  Lest you question where these billions of votes came from, one of them came in the form of a comment, and the rest were all e-mailed directly to me.  When I have such a clear-cut forest, I mean winner, that kind of landslide really has to be taken into consideration, in spite of how much erosion due to loss of vegetation has occurred, I mean how annoying the winner's voice may happen to be.  I'm judging chiefly on the merits of the poem more than the delivery, and weighing the opinions of the readers in the process.  June Threbey's Sweet Evil came in second with 1 billion votes.  I'm not sure what all those people saw in her poem (in which she strangely seems to characterize pickles as a health food in contrast to cookies and chocolate).  Everyone knows dark chocolate is good for you.  Guess there's just a lot of people out there who can relate to gluttony.  Nonsense, by an un-witty Mr. Ahl, came in third but did manage to garner a respectable 0 billion votes.

So, congrats to "Tex" and the Lone-Star State!  Once we confirm his identity, it will be quite appropriate to award him some coupons for dinner at a certain steakhouse we all know.  Of course, even such a generous gift pales in comparison to all the worldwide fame and millions of dollars in endorsements that are soon to follow!

Lid-Conqueror, Bold and Strong

I now know why they call it Muscleman's Applesauce.  Though in this case, it was in fact a large jar of apple butter of that same brand that sought to defy me.   I suspected that it would make a tasty topping for the pancakes I was making.  After many failed attempts to open the jar, however, I settled for other, more accessible spreads instead.  Meanwhile, that smug jar taunted me with repeated insults and boasts of its invincible unopenability.  Eventually I just had to walk away for a while to cool off before I did something I might regret.

So I left the house to get some groceries.  I returned only to find my old foe still lounging arrogantly upon the kitchen table acting as if it owned the place.   But this time, something had changed.  I was not to be cowed by a jar of apple butter.  Not anymore!

I knew deep down that someone had to put this jar in its place or it would be forever bullying people.  It was time to assert my manliness.

Employing the psychological intimidation, scowling, flexing, and huffing characteristic of sumo wrestlers and shot putters, I then lunged at my foe with a mighty bellow, determined to grapple it to the death.  Imagine my surprise when this time the lid popped off immediately without a struggle!

What have I learned, my friends, from this ordeal?  What wisdom may I in turn impart to you?

I've learned that jars of apple butter, like people, can be obnoxious and arrogant.  But their bark may be worse than their bite.  Sometimes, you've just got to blister their bluster--give them an old-fashioned whuppin' to teach them a lesson.  Show them who's boss.  So next time you run into a recalcitrant jar or person, just huff and puff and flex your muscles like a sumo wrestler or shot putter, then leap into grapplin' action and your opponent will fold like a piece of paper...or laundry.  But remember to bellow.  It is of all actions most essential to the Conqueror, Bold and Strong.

Miscellaneous Observations

Lately I have had the opportunity to think about a lot of things.  Well, two things at least.  If "a dot is a lot," then two can be a lot as well, I say. 

The first thing is the thought that we are so blessed to live in a country where one can criticize the post office without the threat of swift and deadly retribution most of the time.  I remember an incident a couple years ago when I became incensed at receiving a utility bill with a late charge from the city of Salem.  Please understand that I made a regular habit of always paying my bill immediately upon receiving it and had never been late before.  I took my bill to the city clerk, calmly explaining the situation to her.   Obviously, I said,  the U.S. Postal Service failed to deliver my previous month's bill as I had never received it.  We had ourselves a little laugh about the ineptness of the Postal Service.  The clerk took the late charge off, I paid, and the issue was resolved--or so I thought.  A couple weeks later, while shifting a stack of papers on the floor, what should I discover but the missing bill!  Obviously, I thought, the U.S. Postal Service is much more devious than I thought.  They had arranged for someone to break into my house, rummage among my personal papers, and hide the bill (or an uncanny semblance thereof) among those papers!  If they were capable of that, they were capable of anything.  And so when my next utility bill arrived I added back the late charge and paid it in full, vowing to restrain in the future my eagerness to blame the post office for things which were obviously their fault.

The second thing has to do with a... oh well, it's really not that important.  Nobody cares anyway.

Third and Final Finalist

of the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest

In order to be sufficiently politically correct I have selected a woman as one of the three finalists in this year's competition:  Ms. June Threbey from Weed, California (though she sounds more "creepy" than "Threbey" to me-bee).

Anyway, here is her poem:

Happy Dependence Day!

To my readers in the United States, Happy 4th of July!

  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
     *    *    *    *    *       What, in your minds, is a patriot?
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
     *    *    *    *    *       Is it Patrick Henry, who is said to have said,
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                               
     *    *    *    *    *       "Give me puberty, or give me death!"?
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                               
     *    *    *    *    *       Is it one of our founding dads who signed the Declaration
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
of Dependence?  Is it Benjamin Franklin Graham, writer of the U.S. Constitution?
                                                                                                                              
Is it Mel Gibson, who starred in a movie coincidentally called "The Patriot"?
                                                                                                                              


Is it someone who dares to give one's life for one's country?   YES, it is all these and so much more:

It is the man who does 1776 push-ups to commemorate Dependence Day, it is the man who reads online the very U.S. Declaration of Dependence on that very special day, it is the man who plays through an entire book of patriotic songs on the piano, it is the man who plans to go over to the home of some friends for a cookout and then watch some fireworks at the reservoir later that evening.

Who is this man?  It is you, my friends, and it is me.  Unless, of course, you are not a man.  Or you didn't do any of that stuff.  In which case, it is only me.  But you, too, can be a patriot.   Just change the definition of the word until it fits you.  Unless you don't want to be a patriot.  But you should, you should want to be a patriot!  Especially on this very special day, this happy day of Dependence!  LET FREEDOM RING!

Second Finalist

from the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest

This next contestant identifies himself only as "Tex."  If he wins this prestigious contest, his name-recognition surely will vault to the lofty height of other one-name celebrities such as "Sting," "Cher," and "Prince":

2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest Finalists

    And now the moment no one (I mean, everyone) has been waiting for:  the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest!  Despite the fact that I did not announce it (like the previous contest in July 2005), I once again received millions of entries from aspiring poets. 

    This time, instead of arbitrarily choosing a winner based upon their flattery of me (I mean the merit of their work), I have selected three worthy finalists.  Over the next few days I will post the lyrics and audio bits of each contestant reciting their poem.

    Once they are all posted, I will call upon the readers to select their favorite poet of the three.  At the end of a week or two, I will tally up the votes and take them into consideration when choosing the winner.

    Our first contestant claims to be a Mr. "No-Wit" Ahl from Danbury, Connecticut.  His poem, entitled "Nonsense" appears below: