July 20, 2007
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Lid-Conqueror, Bold and Strong
I now know why they call it Muscleman's Applesauce. Though in this case, it was in fact a large jar of apple butter of that same brand that sought to defy me. I suspected that it would make a tasty topping for the pancakes I was making. After many failed attempts to open the jar, however, I settled for other, more accessible spreads instead. Meanwhile, that smug jar taunted me with repeated insults and boasts of its invincible unopenability. Eventually I just had to walk away for a while to cool off before I did something I might regret.
So I left the house to get some groceries. I returned only to find my old foe still lounging arrogantly upon the kitchen table acting as if it owned the place. But this time, something had changed. I was not to be cowed by a jar of apple butter. Not anymore!
I knew deep down that someone had to put this jar in its place or it would be forever bullying people. It was time to assert my manliness.
Employing the psychological intimidation, scowling, flexing, and huffing characteristic of sumo wrestlers and shot putters, I then lunged at my foe with a mighty bellow, determined to grapple it to the death. Imagine my surprise when this time the lid popped off immediately without a struggle!
What have I learned, my friends, from this ordeal? What wisdom may I in turn impart to you?
I've learned that jars of apple butter, like people, can be obnoxious and arrogant. But their bark may be worse than their bite. Sometimes, you've just got to blister their bluster--give them an old-fashioned whuppin' to teach them a lesson. Show them who's boss. So next time you run into a recalcitrant jar or person, just huff and puff and flex your muscles like a sumo wrestler or shot putter, then leap into grapplin' action and your opponent will fold like a piece of paper...or laundry. But remember to bellow. It is of all actions most essential to the Conqueror, Bold and Strong.
Comments (2)
Someone taught me a trick where you leverage a kitchen knife blade between the lid and the jar. It releases some pressure and makes the jar easier to open. It works a lot of the time. But it's certainly not the manly way. I try not to use it, or the hot water method, because I prefer to test my might.
I am beyond the anger, and show of force method, and lacking husband or sons, have resorted to the little rubber round grabbing tool along with copious amounts of hot water.
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