Discrimination in Today's America

Political correctness is an oft-criticized concept, but unjustifiably so.

For it is based on noble ideals and has accomplished great things, such as causing us to tiptoe painstakingly to avoid offending certain people groups in myriad ways which might otherwise be natural to us (e.g. inappropriate jokes, careless comments, or silly old-fashioned ways of thinking).  But sadly, in spite of today’s environment of enlightened political correctness, it seems that there is still one people group, one lifestyle which it is still okay to ridicule or prosecute.

I am speaking of course, of miners.  This people group has been so maligned that the phrase “persecuted as a miner” has become a part of our national lexicon.  Arguably, no other people group in America faces such open prosciutto.*  Nobody screams in outrage when a sports team uses a “miner” caricature as their mascot.  Our society deprives miners of many rights which we bestow upon other citizens.  One would think that years of slaving away underground, breathing in coal dust (perhaps salt, diamond, or mineral ore dust, depending on the type of mine) would garner a little respect.  However, in my town of Salem, Illinois, they have even gone so far as to outlaw the sale of tobacco to miners!

Yes, tobacco is evil, but we should uphold miners’ right to purchase it, as long as they don’t smoke it anywhere near a public building or me.  In fact, Salem’s tobacco law is every bit as ridiculous as that law prohibiting miners from attending certain movies except in the presence of "a dolt" (which they conveniently fail to define)**.  Since such laws seek to impose a certain moral code upon a specific people group, they are therefore unconstitutional.  We all know that one cannot legislate morality (with arguably the possible arguable exception of our laws against murder and theft, and arguably a few other insignificant ones).

So, in summary, political-correctness has been a bright light to our nation.  But it can become an even brighter shining beacon if in the future, we refine it to include treating the much-maligned miners with the same respect we accord to other (I hesitate to use the word “minorities”)... minorities (I didn’t say I wouldn’t use it, just that I hesitated, for whatever that’s worth).  Hmm...maybe I should have just used “people group” again...  “Minority” would seem to indicate a belittling or designation of lesser status.... Not that I think or mean to imply that “minorities” are in any way lesser--that’s not what I mean--I just mean that the term itself could be misconstrued that way, what with the very root word “miner” in it, oh dear, I mean “minor!”  Aaarrgghhh!!!(-uably)  

* Italian for "persecution"
** Webster's defines it as:  "A blockhead; dunce."

Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much

Dear Stupidocles,

Your recipe for eating groundhogs left me thoroughly disgusted and appalled!  I'm sick of all you "shockbloggers" aiming for the lowest common denominator, trying to one-up each other with increasing gross-outmanship!

Don't you realize there are already perfectly good and tasty rodents out there for the eatin'? What is there to be gained by eating an animal that can predict the weather at least as accurately as your, I mean, our human weathercasters? Besides, the widely known fact is that groundhogs taste the absolutely worst of all mammals native to our planet (the duckbill platypus, hailing of course from Neptune, cannot be counted)!

Phillip Gunderhaag
Punxsutawney, PA

It does seem my "Recipe for the Ages" was not so unique after all, but I stand by it all the same.

A Recipe for the Ages

Best wishes to you all as you settle back with your family to watch a traditional afternoon of Stupder Bowl hype and commercials.  It seems like only yesterday, since it was, that we were gathered about with our friends and loved ones to feast upon everyone’s favorite feisty, furry rodent for that traditional, heartwarming February 2nd meal.

And now, like always, you may be wondering what to do with all of those groundhog leftovers!  For those of you in this category, you don’t have to settle for that same old high-fat Velveeta™ groundhog dip and pizza.  There is a cornucopia of wholesome, heart-healthy groundhog recipes available on the internet for you to snack upon to your heart’s delight (and health!).

One of my personal favorites is the chipotle garlic groundhog wrap:

In large frying pan, brown 1 lb ground groundhog (or thinly sliced groundhog flank steak).  Once browned, sautee with finely chopped onion and yellow or red bell pepper until medium crispy-soft and sprinkle 1 Tablespoon Garlic flakes.

Scoop groundhog mixture into 10 large tomato-wheat tortillas.  Top generously with Chipotle Tobasco™ sauce, blue cheese, and spinach.  Add 1-2 Tablespoons Garlic flakes to taste, and Voila!  It’s a wrap!

Enjoy this delicious, heart-healthy Stupder Bowl meal and rest knowing you need fear neither vampire nor werewolf tonight.