May 20, 2008

• Happy Belated Earth Day
  

  As time goes by, I become ever more convinced that the two greatest threats now facing humankind are 1) a giant asteroid from outer space and 2) disposable diapers.  The imminent doom of our race, even our very planet are inevitable unless immediate action is taken to forestall these threats!
   
  But how, you may ask?  We’re not superheroes.  You may think you are, but that is a fallacy.  I’m sorry to have to break the news to you, but superheroes are only made-up, that is to say, they are pretend.  You’re living in a fantasy land if you think that superheroes are going to solve our problems!  That imaginary world might not be a bad place to live for a little while, but eventually you’re going to have to come back to the real one.  And your return to reality is going to be a big downer if every landmass on the planet is covered with diaper landfills higher than skyscrapers and all life upon it is about to be vaporized by a catastrophic asteroid hurtling toward it at several thousand miles per second.

  What real-world solution could possibly save us from this unenviable future?

  It’s really very simple:  An international coalition must be formed with the mission of blasting these disposable diapers up above our atmosphere with gargantuan rockets specially designed for hauling such stinky cargo.  In the process, they (the diapers) will be sterilized by cosmic rays from the starry void, then expelled and melded together to form an immense, impenetrable shield around our planet.  Project Diaper Shield will not only keep out doomsday asteroids, wayward comets, and hostile armadas of space aliens, but also accomplish the essential task of protecting our planet from leaky wetness (thereby preventing the loss of perhaps our planet’s most precious nonrenewable resource:  H20).*  Project Diaper Shield will undoubtedly cost U.S. taxpayers several trillion dollars to put into action, but it will be, assuredly, the best several trillion dollars we ever spent!  It will take millions of parents worldwide dedicated in harmonious union to the cause of donating their babies' used diapers for the shield.  It will employ the best and brightest of our generation, pumping money into our country's stumbling, anemic economy.  That monetary infusion will get our economy so robust and agile it will soon be performing back-flips and doing one-fingered pushups with one arm tied behind its back.  And that is the kind of economy of which we all as Americans can be proud!  We can then say boldly to other countries, “my economy can beat up your economy!” and mean it!

  But it’s not really about economies.  It’s about our future.  And how, by playing one great threat against another, we can dispel both, saving not only Mother Earth but also her glorious, dismal parasite, humanity, at the same time!  The irony is symbiotic.

  * It will also make the thinning ozone layer irrelevant and cure global warming.

  • 12:53 am
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