These are the Ties Which Try Men's Souls

Do you, like so many, despise neckties?

Are you among the befuddled masses, yearning to breathe free rather than straining under the yoke of that tightly bound adornment?

But you've worn it because your boss requires it, or simply because it is the accoutrement of professionalism in our society?  All the while, living a life of quiet desperation, wishing to tear that hated necktie away and trample upon it as you would trample upon the conformity and stuffiness and repression it represents?

Now you have some ammunition.  You are not alone.  Click the link on neckties above and scroll down to the heading "anti-necktie" sentiment.  There is a revolution afoot, and it is growing by the minute, comrade.  We can bring these neckties to heel!  As one heavily bearded Richard Marx once said after a few too many vodkas, "Neckties are reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society."

What other conclusion may be drawn, comrades?  We as a society must compel neckties to abandon their reckless disregard for the health or length of life of the laborer!  People, UNITE!  Rebel against conformity, against the spreading of disease and filth, against the raising of eye pressure which is a well-known risk factor for glaucoma and a plot to keep down the rightfully-ruling proletariat, all caused by the tyranny of pompous neckties.  Are you with me?  I said, ARE YOU WITH ME?

Your response:  (THUNDEROUS CHEERING)*

* Obey or face the consequences of your insolence, you tie-wearing stooge.

"My friend, tread lightly upon the world wide web, lest you get stuck and the world wide spider come to devour you."

Who said this?  What does it mean?  What would it look like to follow this advice?  Do you know of someone who failed to heed it?  How will it affect your own life?  Can you think of any other insightful questions to ask about this quote?*  I doubt it.  But you can try.

* Do you even care? (Shame on you, if you don't!)
 

A Blast From the Past

Believe it or not, before I became a bitter, crotchety old coot making up spurious but plausible quotes and attributing them to our governor, I was once a budding young artist:

A friend of mine sketched the shady outline of a police officer applying handcuffs to this unique individual expressing his love for broccoli.

But there are greater calamities than being arrested:

"Oh, woe is me!  Another bad hair day!"

"Do not despair, my dear.  For me, every day is bad hair day."

Good thing that strange little man was there to put her at ease! (with the odd comfort in knowing there's someone worse off than you)

Creative Tourism

Recently it was announced by the office of our eminent governor that Illinoisans would be seeing more roadkill on Illinois roadways in the upcoming months.  One may well wonder why.  "Why?" you may wonder!  I don't know why you may wonder why one may well wonder why--you'll have to answer that question for yourself--but I do have a theory as to why we will be seeing more roadkill:  Perhaps the increasing number of drivers on Illinois roads this summer, a traditional time for vacationing, will mean more collisions with animals.

But theorization and wondering are unnecessary.   There is more to it.

For our good governor has explained it all clearly:  "Less clean-up of roadkill will save money for our department of transportation, and allowing animals to decompose in a natural fashion will showcase the splendid array of wildlife our great prairie state has to offer, providing a form of eco-tourism sure to delight and attract many visitors here who will spend their dollars in Illinois.  These visitors will have to drive to get here, and the increased traffic will lead to a 'snowball effect' as more vehicle-animal collisions occur.  IDOT's new 'Roadkill Bingo' cards, available at their website online and at any Illinois Welcome Center, are a fun new educational, family-friendly travel activity which will enable visitors to track the biodiversity of our highways' roadkill and play a fun game at the same time.  With the popularity of television shows such as the CSI series, the 'gross-out factor' adds positive appeal.  In addition, the extra roadkill will ensure that our scavenger populations do not reach critically low numbers.  Who could imagine the Land of Lincoln without turkey vultures?  I for one, would despair to live in a state devoid of their particular sort of beauty.  I encourage all responsible Illinoisans as a civic duty to look past the high gas prices, get out on the roadways, and start running animals over!"

Regardless of whether you agree with our governor's revolutionary new tourism plan, you must admit:  The turkey vulture, whether soaring overhead upon the currents of a mighty thermal or gnawing at the carcass of a flattened opossum, is an icon of unparalleled majesty and grace.

Disclaimer:  The above article may only bear a tangential relationship to reality

Update:  Alas, I fear for the turkey vulture's future.