Miscellaneous Observations

Lately I have had the opportunity to think about a lot of things.  Well, two things at least.  If "a dot is a lot," then two can be a lot as well, I say. 

The first thing is the thought that we are so blessed to live in a country where one can criticize the post office without the threat of swift and deadly retribution most of the time.  I remember an incident a couple years ago when I became incensed at receiving a utility bill with a late charge from the city of Salem.  Please understand that I made a regular habit of always paying my bill immediately upon receiving it and had never been late before.  I took my bill to the city clerk, calmly explaining the situation to her.   Obviously, I said,  the U.S. Postal Service failed to deliver my previous month's bill as I had never received it.  We had ourselves a little laugh about the ineptness of the Postal Service.  The clerk took the late charge off, I paid, and the issue was resolved--or so I thought.  A couple weeks later, while shifting a stack of papers on the floor, what should I discover but the missing bill!  Obviously, I thought, the U.S. Postal Service is much more devious than I thought.  They had arranged for someone to break into my house, rummage among my personal papers, and hide the bill (or an uncanny semblance thereof) among those papers!  If they were capable of that, they were capable of anything.  And so when my next utility bill arrived I added back the late charge and paid it in full, vowing to restrain in the future my eagerness to blame the post office for things which were obviously their fault.

The second thing has to do with a... oh well, it's really not that important.  Nobody cares anyway.

Third and Final Finalist

of the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest

In order to be sufficiently politically correct I have selected a woman as one of the three finalists in this year's competition:  Ms. June Threbey from Weed, California (though she sounds more "creepy" than "Threbey" to me-bee).

Anyway, here is her poem:

Happy Dependence Day!

To my readers in the United States, Happy 4th of July!

  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
     *    *    *    *    *       What, in your minds, is a patriot?
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
     *    *    *    *    *       Is it Patrick Henry, who is said to have said,
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                               
     *    *    *    *    *       "Give me puberty, or give me death!"?
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                               
     *    *    *    *    *       Is it one of our founding dads who signed the Declaration
  *    *    *    *    *    *                                                                                              
of Dependence?  Is it Benjamin Franklin Graham, writer of the U.S. Constitution?
                                                                                                                              
Is it Mel Gibson, who starred in a movie coincidentally called "The Patriot"?
                                                                                                                              


Is it someone who dares to give one's life for one's country?   YES, it is all these and so much more:

It is the man who does 1776 push-ups to commemorate Dependence Day, it is the man who reads online the very U.S. Declaration of Dependence on that very special day, it is the man who plays through an entire book of patriotic songs on the piano, it is the man who plans to go over to the home of some friends for a cookout and then watch some fireworks at the reservoir later that evening.

Who is this man?  It is you, my friends, and it is me.  Unless, of course, you are not a man.  Or you didn't do any of that stuff.  In which case, it is only me.  But you, too, can be a patriot.   Just change the definition of the word until it fits you.  Unless you don't want to be a patriot.  But you should, you should want to be a patriot!  Especially on this very special day, this happy day of Dependence!  LET FREEDOM RING!

Second Finalist

from the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest

This next contestant identifies himself only as "Tex."  If he wins this prestigious contest, his name-recognition surely will vault to the lofty height of other one-name celebrities such as "Sting," "Cher," and "Prince":

2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest Finalists

    And now the moment no one (I mean, everyone) has been waiting for:  the 2007 Unannounced Poetry Contest!  Despite the fact that I did not announce it (like the previous contest in July 2005), I once again received millions of entries from aspiring poets. 

    This time, instead of arbitrarily choosing a winner based upon their flattery of me (I mean the merit of their work), I have selected three worthy finalists.  Over the next few days I will post the lyrics and audio bits of each contestant reciting their poem.

    Once they are all posted, I will call upon the readers to select their favorite poet of the three.  At the end of a week or two, I will tally up the votes and take them into consideration when choosing the winner.

    Our first contestant claims to be a Mr. "No-Wit" Ahl from Danbury, Connecticut.  His poem, entitled "Nonsense" appears below:

Of all the nerve!

I don't normally do book reviews, especially of books that I've never read nor intend to read, but this one has me furious!  That title represents the absolute height of arrogance, in my opinion, even for someone who has invented the internet (however arguably great that accomplishment may be).  Mr. Gore has the gall to insist that he has written The Assault on Reason.  Seriously.  What credentials does he bring to substantiate this claim?  All this time I thought I was being unreasonable.  If I were ever to publish a book, I would never be so presumptuous as to assert that my book was The definitive example of anything.  And that's the truth, be it an inconvenient one or not!

Mental Exercises to Strengthen the Mind

(Tales of the Little-Known, of Which Few Know)

Not
many people know that the legendary Heavyweight Champion of the World's
little-known cousin Ginkgo Balboa (G.B.) was a brilliant mind-puzzle
solver and inventor.  As the story goes:

It was a dark, brainstormy night...

G.B.,
weary but restless, was up late in his lab poring over a maddening
cryptogram, when he became conscious of a gnawing hunger. 

"Igor, stop nibbling on my toe!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, sorry, master," his hunchback assistant apologized, "I thought it was...someone else's."

"You know, Igor, I could really go fer pizza right now.  Make it so!"

"Mmm, rodents..." murmured the hunchback, a glazed look in his eyes. 

"Not gopher, Igor -- go fer ," corrected G.B.

"Yes, very tasty, master.  Though not as filling as capybara."

"No, go fer, it's a figure of speech.  Listen, how can I make you understand?"

"Master, if you're saying you don't like gopher, I will never understand.  It's just not right," retorted Igor.

"I do like them, but just as pests, not food, Igor.  Now then, hop to it!"

Igor immediately began hopping awkwardly in place upon one leg.

"What the blazes are you doing, Igor?  Hurry up!"

 The compliant hunchback doubled his speed apace.

"Master, I...huff...don't know...huff huff...if I can...huff... keep this up...huff huff... much longer!"

"Stop, you fool, stop!"

Igor stopped, panting.

"Your antics neither amuse me nor alleviate my appetite.  Here, just take my cell phone.  Call Pizza Tyrant at once!"

Igor
looked in fear upon the phone in Ginkgo's outstretched hand. 
"B...b...but...master!  What about the... Roman Charges?  We are
defenseless against their onslaught!"

"What?  You mean roaming charges?  Why, that has nothing to do with--," G.B. hesitated, "... Nevermind.  You have nothing to fear--the Romans can't touch us here.  We are too far separated by time and distance."

Igor gave a sigh of relief and accepted the phone.

"Now call this number," said G.B., easily rattling the digits off from memory while the hunchback nodded.

"2!" Igor bellowed, causing his master to jump back in surprise. "6! 6! 7! 8! 3! 7!" the hunchback continued.

"Arrrggghhhh!!!!"
shouted G.B. in frustration.  "I've half a mind to crack these flat,
round German dishes of yours right upon your fat, round head!"

"No, master, not my Teutonic plates, anything but those!"
pleaded Igor.  "Shatter those plates, and you shatter the world. 
Richter has not the scale to measure the havoc you'd wreak."

G.B.
paused, plate in hand.  "It really shouldn't be this hard to order a
pizza," he fumed, grabbing the phone away from the hunchback.  "You
know, I think we still have some of Anne's Green Bagels in the fridge.  Let's pig out on those instead."

"Rrrrrrr....The thought gives me the heebies, G.B.!"  shuddered Igor.  "Er...master, excuse me."

"What?"

"Now you want to eat pigs out on green bagels, of all things.  What is wrong with just pigs?"

"Igor,
what we have here is a failure to communicate," Ginkgo began.  His
brain was whirling with formulas, scanning its stores of scientific
knowledge and experience for some practical or mathematical solution to
the current problem ... and then, nerdvana! : "That's it!  A colloquial implant.  I must invent a colloquial implant!  Then we shall understand each other."

"A
Colloquialem Plant?  What, precisely, is a Colloquialem?  A ravenous
monster vegetable spawned by genetic manipulation, master?"

"Yes, I'm hoping it will eat you.  Meanwhile, I'm chowing down on some green bagels.   Go for gopher if you please, Igor.  Just don't bring it back into the house...please.  Go!"

"Yes, master.  But -- Shar-Pei is much better than Chow."

Study Questions

1. 
Consult a touch-tone phone pad.  What word does the phone number of
Tyrant Pizza spell?  Please cite a historical example of this typical
tyrant goal.  How would this goal relate to the tasty but competitive
world of pizza?  What might this teach thinking people about the evils
of capitalism and the striking resemblance of tyrants to CEOs?

2.  What two-word phrase in the story shares with Ginkgo Balboa the initials "g.b."?  Why do you think this is?

3.  Please recall a time when you were charged by Roman soldiers.  How did this make you feel?

4.  Do you like gophers?  Explain.  No, on second thought, don't.

News of the Mondayne

Update on No Rhythm Trio:  Most recent news from the band is that they have boarded a train to Patagonia in response to an overwhelming flood of fan requests to play "Far, Far, Away."   Their recent groove on this xanga set a record for "least played audio file." 

In other news, I bought a couple pairs of jeans shorts at EvilMart a few weeks ago.  In the front pocket of one of them I discovered a small, lightweight, porous stone resembling pumice, white in color.   I have googled "white pumice" and apparently it exists, but whether that is what it is or not, why and how did it get in the pocket of a pair of jeans shorts at EvilMart?  And why was it my fate to purchase this pair of shorts? 

"Mice are dichromats that only possess short- and medium-wavelength-sensitive cones.  They don't see red light; they only see blue and green light, similar to a person with red-green color blindness.  The researchers took human long wavelength-sensitive cones, which enable reception of red light waves, and inserted them into the retinas of mouse embryos.  Researchers found that the brains of the mice immediately incorporated the 'upgrade' and efficiently processed the additional sensory information; they were able to distinguish among a broader spectrum of light waves." 

The article goes on to conclude: 

"These findings may help explain the evolution of color vision and color blindness.  'What we are looking at in these mice is the same evolutionary event that happened in one of the distant ancestors of all primates and that led ultimately to the trichromatic color vision that we now enjoy,' the researchers say." 

It clearly took a lot of skill, ingenuity, and creativity to perform that experiment.  I find it truly amazing and interesting that the brains of mice were able to so quickly adapt to the human cones inserted into their retinas and effectively improve their color discrimination. 

But even more shocking is the researchers' discovery (re-read the emboldened texts above) that someone inserted long-wavelength human cones into the embryo retinas of one of our own distant mammalian ancestors to provide us modern-day humans with enjoyable trichromatic color vision!  The million dollar question is who?  Who could have had the technology to do such a thing in prehistoric times?  I've never been one to shy away from controversy, so I ask you to ponder the following questions:  Was it aliens?  Or were the dinosaurs smarter than we give them credit for?  My money is on both, especially since we have no conclusive proof that the dinosaurs themselves were not descended from space aliens who deposited their criminals upon the earth as members of a sort of penal colony* before zipping off to starry realms beyond the Milky Way.  These brilliant dinosaur criminals, perhaps out of scientific curiousity or perhaps merely boredom with this terrestrial prison we call Earth, began to perform genetic experiments on themselves and their co-existent flora and fauna.  But ah, how sadly myopic of these dinosaur pioneers not to foresee that their rogue genetic experiments would ultimately bring about not only their own destruction but the creation of another race (humans) that would one day supplant them as rulers of the planet (at least in our own minds)!  Oh wise, noble space-faring ancestors of the dinosaurs, will you ever return to our galaxy and our humble planet?  Will we even recognize you as members of the dinosaur family?  Only evolution can say.

* much like the British colonization of Australia in human history

Dueling Drug Companies

Long-time readers of this xanga may remember the free flashing eyeball pen that forever secured my loyalty to...er, some drug company that for the life of me I can't remember right now...well, anyway, due to the awesomeness of that pen, I am dedicated to prescribing that company's medication to every single patient, if only I could remember what it was.  Man, that pen was awesome!

And now as ever, the fierce competition rages on between drug companies to secure my drug-prescribing loyalty:  First, Alcon® came out with a paper clip holder of unparalleled beauty.  This transparent cube displayed a tableau of adorable little miniature bottles of Systane® sailing upon a turquoise sea.  In light of this precious gift from our Alcon® representative, I was all set to prescribe Systane® artificial tears for every single one of my patients in spite of the fact that they are available over-the-counter.

But Allergan was not to be outdone!  No office-supply sample-giving slouches were they!  Within a matter of weeks, perhaps days, their drug representative countered by presenting us with two breath-taking aerodynamic, transparent tape dispensers, inside of which cute little miniature bottles of Alphagan®P drops bobbed whimsically upon a cheerful green sea.

Since then, I have suffered an excruciating dilemma.  Which drop should I prescribe for my patients?  Alphagan® P or Systane®?  True, we received TWO tape dispensers, but the paper clip holder came first (that's gotta be worth something).  After some deliberation, I settled on a Solomonic compromise:  I now prescribe to half of my patients Alphagan® P and the other half Systane®, which practice I can dishonestly say far surpasses the so-called "standard-of-care" among eyecare professionals today.  The best part of it all is that I get to use the baddest* paper clip holder and tape dispensers in the universe, every single day!**

* cool person slang for "goodest"

** Systane® is an artificial tear produced by Alcon®.  Alphagan® P is an anti-glaucoma medication from Allergan.