Objectionable Content?
with it by now, but I waited to send this letter to lull you into a
false sense of security. Sometimes the best teaching moments are
when someone slams you from out of the blue with a wallop of unexpected
common sense, even if it is painful. Especially
when it’s painful, I should say. Perhaps you have no idea what
I’m talking about. Well up until now, that’s been for me to know
and you to merely speculate, but let me tell you, Mr. Stupidocles.
My name is Phil O. Dendron and I represent People for the Positive
Portrayal of Prehistoric Phlora and Phauna in Phiction and Philm
(PPPPPPPPH). I have a bone to pick with you, metaphorically
speaking, about that garbage you wrote (“The Interminable Story of
Blake and Thea”). Let me first tell you where I’m coming
from. I’m sick and tired of all of these unnecessarily negative
portrayals of prehistoric animals as bloodthirsty and barbaric
creatures. For instance, we have absolutely no solid proof that
Tyrannosaurus Rex would terrorize time travelers or attack giant apes
without provocation, yet story after story shows them doing so.
On the contrary, based on present-day dinosaurs there is good reason to
believe that prehistoric dinosaurs would be peaceful, happy, and
well-adjusted. The purple dinosaur Barney is a benevolent being
who teaches and reaches out to human children, with no attempts to eat
them that I’ve ever seen on the show. Likewise, the consensus of
PPPPPPPPH scholars like myself who have spent a lifetime in the field
indicates that Tyrannosaurus Rex was in fact a kindly king-of-the-lizards who would rather tend his garden and spout
philosophical sayings than eat others (Benevelosaurus Rex would have
been a much more accurate moniker!). Wild speculation assures us
that the vast majority of prehistoric phauna were pacifists, phriendly
to other animals and people groups such as the neanderthals and homo
phloresiensis, which you depict in your story. Sabertooth tigers
in particular were known for their neighborly attitude in lending their
teeth for use as can openers and their bellies for scratching.
All of this to say that I would encourage you to strive for realism in
your stories, and that means a more positive portrayal of prehistoric
phauna. Now I know you just barely wrote about sabertooth tigers
and not at all about tyrannosaurs in your story, but I just wanted to
raise your sensitivity level on this issue. My main complaint is
your apparent glorification of violence against ichthyosaurs. I
ask you, what benefit is there in portraying the brutal bludgeoning of
a peace-loving, pacifistic fish-lizard? What kind of sick sadist are you? I have no legal power to stop you from writing such trash, but I appeal to your conscience, if you have one. Stop writing such trash!
I have no complaints about your treatment of prehistoric phlora as of
yet, but be warned! Should you malign giant ferns and bromeliads
in a future story, I have the clout to arrange for an international
boycott of your works among PPPPPPPPH members! We will
march! We will storm the subways! We will spray-paint your
house! And you’ll wish you’d never been such a meanie.
Genially,
Phil O. Dendron
PPPPPPPPH!
Phil,
I appreciate your feedback.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard from PPPPPPPPH, though you’ve
never appeared on my blog before. I applaud your organization and
the great work they do, but I have to defend myself here. Let me
say I have nothing against prehistoric animals. When I was
growing up, I loved dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures. None
of my friends and I fantasized about clubbing them, except possibly in
self-defense. I still have a deep and profound respect for Big Bird and Aloysius Snuffleupagus.
But it’s my Third Amendment right to
portray prehistoric animals however I wish in my stories. I won’t
stop you from painting nostalgic, sunshiny pictures of prehistory, but
in the real world things aren’t always so black and white. My
stories might seem harsh to you, but they present the gritty reality of
nature, red in tooth and claw. And sure, Barney may seem all
kindly and benevolent and non-kid-eating on screen, but we don’t know
what goes on off camera. And we can’t climb into Barney’s head
and see if he doesn’t ultimately have some ulterior motive (like
hunger) in all of this. And none other than science itself (which
we know to be infallible) casts doubt upon your characterization of
Barney as a benevolent dinosaur. Shockingly, he may not even be a dinosaur!
If you really truly care about
preventing violence to animals, prehistoric and otherwise, you need to
stop tilting at windmills and go after the real animal abusers, the
heirs to Ook so to speak. The neanderthals at Hardee’s® have been
touting for weeks their “Beer-battered fish supreme” sandwich. I,
for one, certainly wouldn’t be proud of eating something that had been
bludgeoned by a can of beer.
I can write about a prehistoric
fish-lizard being clubbed to death, but I know how to separate fiction
from reality. I assure you that I would never condone such
behavior in real life, but I strenuously uphold my right to make up
stories about it.
With poorly concealed hostility,
Stupidocles
P.S. I would add that far from
being mere gratuitous violence, there is true literary value here, for
the ichthyosaur clubbing is a scathing indictment of man's brutality
against nature and his environment
P.P.S. As to what kind of “sick sadist” I am, I’m not sure since
I have no qualifications as a sick sadist classificationist. My
apologies for not being able to help you out on that one.
Vamoose! (He herds them out the back
Recent Comments