Stretching the Vocab

I spent a full day at a continuing education seminar in St. Louis
today.  I had feared that I would fall asleep, but my worries were
unfounded.  Two of our main lecturers were a guy from Wales and a
guy from Manchester, England who bore a resemblance to a young Rowan
Atkinson.  Their accents, lively humor, and amusing phrases ("dead
on," "bloody" whatever, "advert" for advertisement, "conTROVersy,"
"laBORatry," etc.) kept us more entertained, more attentive, and
possibly more educated than if we'd been sleeping. 

For one example, our lecturers several times used an optometric term
that I knew, but which seldom comes up in conversation, even among
colleagues (It may help you to know that the first word in the term, MYOPIC, means "nearsighted").

I thought that perhaps applying the term to a theoretical conversation
would help me in grappling with its meaning.  I shared my
illustration with my colleague sitting next to me, who added his
thoughts on the subject in the second word balloon.  Alas, he
shall remain unnamed and uncredited in this venue for his contribution,
but I'm sure he would have wanted it that way:

1st man:  You MYOPIC Creep!
2nd man:  ?!  At least I don't have a MULLET!

The "1st man" was originally supposed to
be a woman, but sadly does not resemble one in the slightest.  Her
perm was mistaken for a mullet by my colleague.  Those who truly
wish to be educated may read the next paragraph; others may skip
it--but you don't need my permission!

*****  WARNING ***** EDUCATIONAL *****

Here is what I gathered was the real
definition of "MYOPIC CREEP":  As an optometric term, it is not in
fact a personal, verbal insult, but refers to the idea that patients
who wear traditional hydrogel contact lenses overnight may develop
corneal swelling which may lead to increasing over-correction of
nearsightedness over time.  Our speakers were advocating for silicone
hydrogel lenses which minimize overnight swelling and could actually
result in a subsequent decrease in a contact lens wearer's prescription
(if they were previously an overnight hydrogel wearer).  Asleep yet?

Dear Stupidocles,

What are your criteria for posting an entry?
Is there some kind of quality bar it has to fall short of? Do you
really believe that you have "billions of readers"?

--Anonymous

_____________________________________

Dear Anonymous,

I'm
sure you meant "quality bar it has to surpass," so that is the question
I'll address. Yes, all entries must undergo a rigorous quality
assurance procedure. I have two general policies: first, each entry
must be typed, then finally submitted. Sometimes I change them
afterwards or add pictures. By the way, not to be critical of your
letter, but going by "Anonymous" is cowardly and ending a sentence with
a preposition is grammatically suspect. I always require all of my
sentences to end appropriately without a preposition, no matter where
they start from.

--Stupidocles (not my real name)

P.S. My
goal is for each entry to amuse or puzzle, to cause the average person
to think, "Wow, that was really stupid/inane/pointless," but the
brilliant person to think, "Superb!" Depending on your reaction, you
can tell which category you are in.

_____________________________________

Incidentally,
my billions of readers (yes, billions) may desire to know it's unlikely
that Charles "the sloth-man" Charlton will be invited to guest blog
again in the near future. When I got back from home Saturday night, I
discovered that all week long he had managed only to defoliate some
trees in the back yard and shed all over my furniture. I found him
asleep, hanging upside down from the kitchen ceiling fan. Big mistake.
Needless to say, he was in for a rude awakening once I flipped the on
switch. We're not really on speaking terms right now, but maybe that's
for the best.

Imagine a Clever Caption

Let me apologize for doing such a socioeconomically-disadvantaged job
of keeping up with the blog lately.  I've been flooded with
e-mails from my billions of readers worldwide complaining about the low
frequency of blog entries recently and all I can say is I've been very
busy.

Tomorrow I'm headed off to a church-related trip in the Chicago area
for next week.  For this trip I had to have an air mattress, so I
purchased one this evening at an unmentionable place whose name rhymes
with "Hall-gart".  The air mattress looks fine, but what frightens
me is that the box for the air pump says "WARNING: USE ONLY UNDER COMPETENT SUPERVISION."   I don't have
supervision.  As far as I know, only Superman does.  I might
be able to simulate it with one of our clinic's telescopes for
low-vision patients, but such telescopes don't have X-ray
capability.  And I certainly don't have access to any X-ray
machine.  I have a laser pointer, but it lacks the thermal
qualities of Superman's heat-ray vision.  So basically, I'm stuck
with an air pump that only Superman can use.  As much as I despise
"Hall-gart," I must admit that they do have quite a good return policy,
so I should be able to get my money back.

Many of my billions of readers seem to think I should use this forum to
address serious social issues rather than the trivialities
of my daily life.  For you, I offer this poem:

If not for the orangiousity of thy tone.

They are simply convenient.

But at what cost?

(Oh, carrot babies...)

At what cost?

While I'm gone this week, guest blogger
Charles "the Sloth-man" Charlton will be filling in.  Despite his
super-hero sounding nickname, Charles does not possess
super-vision.  I asked already, and he says his only super powers
are sleeping and moving really slow, which don't sound that all that
super to me.  

Have a great week!

Cutting Edge Technology

When my driver's side sun visor fell off a while back, I replaced it with a cool new digital one:

However, I may have to go back to the traditional kind, since oncoming
drivers have started to return my "salute".  Plus there is something
to be said for having both hands on the wheel.

Lastly, to alleviate your pain at having to view my unsightly hand, here is a beautiful flower:

*** UPDATE:   I have discovered a fiendishly clever device known as a hat. 
It is a very good sun visor substitute and does not require the use of
hands once it is upon the head.  Perhaps I won't have to replace
my old visor after all.

Putting Facetiousness Aside

for the moment.  One thing that puts me in a minority among humans
is that I really enjoy running.  So much so that when I have the
chance I will drive about 18 miles to get to one of my favorite running
routes in Forbes State Park.  It consists of a forest-lined road
over rolling hills, encircling a lake.  In the late afternoon or
early evening the trees provide shade for most of the route, except for
a wide open spot where the dam and spillway are located near a boat
launching area.  And that part provides a fantastic view of the
lake.  Besides the usual "runner's high," it's also invigorating
to take in the beauty of the lake and the verdant*, leafy trees of late
spring...and occasionally to spot some wildlife (with the exception of
pesky deerflies, my frequent nemesis in muggy weather). 

Today I nearly stepped on a skink (not skunk, thankfully), and much to my surprise saw another
groundhog in a tree (the third one now, with the last two seen in just
the past few weeks, both having been about 10-12 feet up.  I'm
beginning to think they should be called skyhogs or treehogs
instead, unless I'm just experiencing a recurrent
hallucination).   On the Forbes State Park route I have at
various times seen a red fox, wild turkeys and deer, green snakes (one
alive and one dead), turkey vultures, and great blue herons. 
Running in Salem I have seen crayfish, muskrats, groundhogs, deer, chipmunks,
an owl, a snake, a skunk, a coyote/fox (not sure), and possibly even a housecat.   Most
of those were on the nature trail, a wooded area around the reservoir
that is Salem's water supply, but the crayfish were on Hawthorne street
by the spillway at evening and one afternoon crossing Boone Street near
Bryan Park after a heavy rain (That may seem like excessive detail, but
I know my readers would not settle for knowing less about where those
crayfish were seen).

I don't really think that learning is boring (as my pseudo-self stated
in the previous blog entry), but both learning and running require
discipline and hard work at times to achieve a goal.  Running also
provides a way for me to test myself and compete, but lately I don't
have the same competitive fire that I used to.  As a foolish man
once said, "Running is like learning:  You can teach an old dog
new tricks, but you can't get him to run as fast as he did when he was
21...in dog years, which would be about 3, humanly speaking."** 
So I'll have to learn to set new goals as I get slower and my hairline
begins to recede into the sunset.

I'm not a serious outdoorsman or bug lover, so running provides me an
outlet for exercise, competition, and a chance to enjoy nature in
small, palatable doses.  Weird as it may seem, I thank God for the
opportunity to run.

* That means "green"
** That's why no one can keep up with toddlers.

Graduation

Try to ascertain the kernels of
truth embedded in this corncob of bizarre fiction (i.e. which elements
are true, and which are made-up):


Last evening at the graduation ceremony for Salem's prestigious Little
Lamb Preschool, I had the honor of being presented with an honorary
degree for exemplary table manners.  Though I never succeeded in
graduating from the school, I believe this was due primarily to the fact
that I never attended it.  When I received the call on Wednesday
night to be the keynote speaker I jumped at the chance.  Here is
the text of my speech, given last night to the cap- and-gowned
preschoolers and their families:

Greetings, esteemed parents, faculty, and little tykes.  Today is
not just an ending, but a beginning and possibly a middle.  These
past two years you crafty youngstas have crammed all kinds of stuff into your
diminuitive heads, mostly food, but some learning.  Believe it or
not, though, young preschoolers, your education has only just
begun!  Don't let your parents tell you school is fun.  Years
of drudgery lie ahead (frowns).  But with
the drudgery comes reward! (smiles broadly).  (sweeps arms up boldly and gazes above audience:) I
stand before you as an example of what you may become, if only you
apply yourselves diligently to study and forgo all silliness. 
(thoughtful:) Yes, I am a rich and important eye doctor.  But of
everything I have done, I am most proud of my table manners.  You
may be surprised that I did
not learn them at school, but from an internet correspondence course
after I graduated from optometry school... the point being that even
though learning is really
boring (rolls eyes), it should be a lifelong endeavor.  Just because you've endured the rigors of
Little Lamb doesn't mean you can sit back now and let life hand you
everything, like you deserve it, you spoiled little
brats!  You've got to strive for it! 
Strive!   Keep your eyes on the prize!  And keep your eyes healthy by coming in to see me for regular yearly exams.  Because you are special.  I mean that. You must believe to achieve! 
Don't ever forget it.  Thank you all, and thanks to the academy
for this honorary degree.  I can't tell you how much it means to
someone who never graduated from preschool to be so honored, because I
did graduate from a preschool.  But I can tell you how much it
means to me.  It means a whole--oww!  My arm!



Teacher:  Excuse
me, Dr., it's actually a gift card to thank you for playing piano for us.  Now would
you please sit down?  We have to go on with the ceremony.



Me:  ...Um, okay, whatever.


I wondered why she was tugging so hard on my elbow, and still not sure what possessed that deluded woman to invite me for the
honorary degree and then deny it all.  She was probably mad
about me saying all that stuff about how boring learning is, and was
just trying to hush me up.  That's what happens when you speak truth to power. 
Admittedly, the honorary degree does bear a strong resemblance to an
Evil-Mart gift card, but I know an honorary degree when I see
one.  

Wonders of Modern Science

What with the popularity of LASIK eye surgery (and the unpopularity of
glasses and contact lenses), it was just a matter of time before some
enterpreneur figured out how to empower the patient with this economical, convenient, and spurious service.

Would You Open this Letter?

I'm not asking you to do it, just wondering whether you would if you were the recipient.  You opening my letter would be a federal offense, and I know you would not want to offend the federation! (or would you?)

I will not open this letter since it was not marked "super duper extra urgently important".

(Letters without pretentions have much less stringent requirements for opening.)